Today was a pretty ordinary day for me today. I mentioned in the first post I made on this blog that the relationship I’m in at the moment was on thin ice, and the ice just got noticably thinner, and right now I don’t know what I want to happen. If I stay in this relationship I may never get to experience any of the things I have described here, and given how long the relationship has been going for leaving isn’t an easy choice either – we have a child together too so the whole situation is quite complex. I feel so lost right now, I don’t know what to do – and the things that I am seeking to fulfil this side of my life, my goals of submission – well they just feel like they are a million miles away right now, almost bordering on unobtainable. I don’t know what to do.

Not exactly an interesting read I’m sure – but I needed to get it out.

I spend a lot of time just day dreaming about stuff – and more often than not the subject very quickly comes back to the being submissive stuff. One of the things that I’ve pondered on a lot lately is body modification – letting my Mistress dictate some semi-permanent and even permanent things about my body and appearance.

One of the first things I think about on this topic is hair removal – I love the idea of being forced into keeping my body smooth and hairless. It’s a little hard to explain my train of thought here, but stick with me on this – so we all know that according to traditional stereotypes in most parts of the world, women are expected to be the hairless ones (shaving their legs and arm pits are common examples) while guys are expected to be the ones who let the hair grow out on their bodies. So when a guy starts getting that hair, and in particular I’m talking about pubic hair here, it’s a sign that they are becoming a big strong man kind of thing. So what happens when a Mistress takes that away? Says you can’t have any of that hair, I want you to be smooth. There are a few things here in my mind, first there is  the order is coming from her that you have to do it – instant submissive feeling rush there. Second, according to the sort of stereotype I described a man is expected to have that hair, so in my head without it you lose some “man points” as such. I know if some of my mates saw me running around wearing shorts to show up my smooth calves I would cop a bit of flak from them over it – and again it’s not that I’m loosing the “man points” as such, it’s that she is taking them that is the rush there.

The last point on this one for me is a little different, in that by the man being made to remove the hair on his body, there is a bit of a role swap going on here, where the man is now doing what the woman would normally do. So lets take a very sexist look at the world for a minute (and I’m not normally like this, but again just stick with me here). In many places people still get raised with the stereotype of the man of the house is the one that goes out to the world to make the money and the woman is in the ‘stay at home and bake me something nice in the kitchen’ group, I know that mould is being broken more and more every day (and I’m in no way saying I like it), but it’s still around a fair bit. In that scenario, the man is the one with the power as such, the wife just stays at home right? So back to the hair removal thing, what happens when the man does things that the woman is expected to do – things like keeping her body smooth and looking pretty and all that – it puts him more on the feminine side of that stereotype, which is the side that is staying at home and doing what they are told Again, I don’t agree with the stereotype, I’m all for women being able to go and do whatever they like and gender equality and all that as well. But it is from that stereotype that my idea gets its power as such, the stereotype exists and because I would (in theory) be forced to do things that take me away from the man side of it, I feel more submissive because of it, I feel like the power is taken away from me and I have a constant and very smooth reminder of that (which I love by the way). I currently wax around my cock and balls just purely because I like the way it feels. I’m considering having the laser hair removal done down there, but I would prefer that to be something that the Mistress that I don’t have yet would demand of me, making it permanent.

So beyond the hair removal thing, there are some other things that I love the idea of. The next one is piercing – would I go out on my own and get my nipples done, not a chance … would I like it if Mistress dragged me down there and told me I had to because she wanted to play with them later – fuck yes. The idea of having that constant reminder of my submission being pierced through both of my nipples is just hot. As for other piercings, things like tongue and some in my cock I would be pretty happy with as well, although likely a little more apprehensive about it than I am for the nipples.

Last one I think about is being branded with a tattoo of some sort. The favourite one I have in my head is a bar code or something like that, like I’m just an object that is owned by my Mistress, I am her property and that’s how she keeps track of me. I think that is something to do with an objectification fantasy thing I have going there, and the bar code is still discrete enough to be explained if someone saw it (as opposed to something that says “slut” or “slave” or something like that! lol).

Bottom line though – anything that makes me feel more submissive or reminds me of the place I have chosen to take with my Mistress is pretty OK with me, I just love it

I recently picked up a copy of “Owning and training a male slave” by Ingrid Bellemare, with the topic obviously being something i want to understand (even though I want to be on the receiving end) this is something that seemed like it would be an interesting read.

The book raised a lot of interesting content and ideas – some of which I like and some of which I really didn’t, which in and of itself is something that I could discuss a bit, but reading it and having those thoughts about what I like and don’t like made me think something else – how much does what I want matter if I’m the slave in the relationship? I have so many thoughts about how happy I could be with a Woman dictating how I should act and what I should do, but where do I draw the line? Do I even get to make that decision?

In the book, Ingrid discusses the idea of a non-consensual slave – taking a man and treating him like you would have been able to do back in the day when slavery was legal (I’m generalizing a fair bit, but that’s the gist of it). It’s an interesting idea – when I think of myself as being submissive, of wanting to do whatever my Mistress would want, how would I react if she wanted something from me that I couldn’t give, or wasn’t willing to?

Ingrid’s solution is that She makes it very clear to the potential slave up from what her expectations are – that he will have no rights at all. He will do anything and everything that she asks, no exceptions, no excuses. She tells a story of how she meets her current slave and raises this with him before letting him agree to submit to her. The bit that scares me about this though is how she enforces his submission. Once he agreed to be her slave, she took many photos of him in some humiliating submissive positions. I won’t spoil the book by saying what they were – but the premise of it is that if at anytime he decides he wants out or that he doesn’t want to obey, the pictures get released publicly on the web for all to see. She is up front about this with him, so it’s not a deliberate trick or anything unsavoury like that, but it does give her a very real element of control over him, she has something that will compel him to submit. It’s very interesting to read about.

The thing that got my mind racing around in circles though was the photos there – what if I had a Mistress who wanted to do the same with me? Would I let her have them? What other options would she have to compel me to do what she wished when I didn’t want to? Would she even need something for that purpose? I would like to think that if I found someone who I would willingly submit to, someone who I felt truly comfortable and happy serving, that I would gladly let them have the photos or something similar – it scares the hell out of me that I think I would be willing to do that, but I think that if I could find a woman who I felt about the way I do when I think about it all in my head that I would do it.

Other than all that, the book discusses a lot of other interesting topics – appearance, chastity, piercing and branding, training and routines, punishments, humiliation, torture and bondage – the list goes on. As I said earlier, some I love the idea of, and some scare me a bit, all of them though seemed worth exploring on some level though. I think it’s interesting to compare this though to the last book I read (I mention it in an earlier post). It’s interesting to see that there is a common theme between them when it comes to taking control of a male – Orgasm Control. In the first book, the control over the husband is something the Woman dictates, and he complies because of how he sees the relationship improving. In Ingrid’s book she enforces it with a very strict chastity device. The result is the same though – control the orgasms and you control the man. It’s interesting to think about being denied, and how I could be teased and denied over and over and over … it shouldn’t turn me on as much as it does, but oh my god the idea drives me wild!

There are many things in this world that make people happy, and they vary greatly from person to person – this much I do know. I’ve somewhat accepted and am at peace with a lot of the things that make me happy that are a little more ‘unusual’. And I’m talking about things that give me that warm fuzzy feeling, not just the stuff that turns me on (rest assured though I can and probably will write a post on that topic though, and it will be a long one). So I wanted to take some time to talk through some of these things, despite it all only being in my head.

The first is a simple one – Mistress is sitting on the couch and I am either laying down next to her, or kneeling in front of her with my head resting across her thighs. She just runs her fingers through my hair – almost like she would to a cat that was on her lap, just that constant movement of her fingertips through my hair and across my scalp, while I lay below her in a nice submissive place. Swap thighs for breasts and that is also another of my favourite places to rest.

I would love being in her arms – no matter where or when, feeling her body pressed against mind while her arms reach around me makes me feel great. That could be in a spooning position (yep, i love being the little spoon) in bed, sitting in the couch or in seats at a cinema, standing up anywhere, whatever. Even if tied up in some sort of tortured situation, even then feeling Her like that would still have the same effect, I would feel safe and loved which in turn gives me the strength to endure anything for Her.

The last one that comes to mind is possibly the simplest, but what I think is the most powerful. Just simply hearing Her say the words “good boy” – that just makes me melt. Knowing i’ve done something to please Her and She has chosen to compliment me on it, really does give me the warm and fuzzies and reinforces my submission at the same time, a win for all involved right? 🙂

These are just some of the things that i hope i have one day – i hope to have that special love with my submission, and a Mistress that loves me back.

Male bottom held on a leash by a female top

Male bottom held on a leash by a female top

I spend a lot of my day thinking about how a relationship where I am a slave would actually work. What would a day in the life of the submissive me actually be like? How would common activities change for me? How would they change for my Mistress? What would happen if I didn’t agree with her on something? I could really go on with questions for ever I think, but I’ll stop and try to talk my way through a couple of them.

I have a reasonably stressful job sometimes – I spend a lot of my day making a lot of decisions about a lot of people’s businesses, and without wanting to sound like a total egomaniac, I’m very good at what I do. I’m not a big CEO or any type of high-flying executive, it’s not something I want, but I’m fairly well up the corporate ladder. I think that this is one of the reasons that I enjoy being more submissive outside of work. Not having to make decisions, just doing what I’m told – its something that I don’t get at all day-to-day in my job, and really I don’t know that I would want it like that at work – and this brings me to dilemma number 1 – how can I go about being completely submissive to my Mistress while still being able to command respect while I’m at work? The two seem very much so the opposite.

So what would an average day look like then – I wake up early, shower and groom myself and prepare breakfast for Mistress, then a suit up with my chastity belt hidden under the pants and then run off to work where the mentality switches. I’m in the office and I’m making the decisions, I’m responsible for things, I’m the one people count on to get stuff done. Then I come home, and need to switch that off and listen to what Mistress wants from me. I need to prepare dinner, clean the house, as well as look after any of her needs. I would love to take care of someone like that, but I struggle to turn off the work thing, and the fact that I do end up needing to bring work home with me sometimes doesn’t help the thought either. When that happens and I have work I need to do, how do I fit that around Her? Will She understand? And what if understanding and letting me do my work at home means she is effectively handing control back to me so that I choose how I spend me time? Because if that’s the case then really I’m not submitting to Her will at all, I’m just playing the slave when it suits me – and when I think about it that way I don’t want that, not at all. On the other hand though, I am at a really good place with my career and I’ve worked incredibly hard to get where I am, so I don’t want to give that up either.

That leaves me wondering, what would happen then if we disagreed on that – or anything for that matter? The “I will be a good slave for Her” part of me says that surely that would never happen, because I should always do what she says – and that thought does make me happy when I think it. But then what of the ramifications of me not being able to do that work I bring home? It would certainly make my time during the day a lot harder and potentially hurt the career side of things as well. So what would the dispute between us be like over something like that? To be honest I really don’t know.

Truth be told, I would like to think maybe Mistress could find some way of us both winning – like I can do my work at home, but I need to do it naked and chained to the desk, or I must have a butt plug inserted in me and a ball gag in my mouth while I do it. But I have two problems with that sort of thing – first, I’ll be honest, I would love those things done to me, so they wouldn’t really be something that encouraged me to finish the work faster or anything like that, and second, if I were to suggest something like that I would have a feeling like it only happened because I wanted it, and as such I’m controlling things instead of Her and I would know it, so I would just feel horrible for that. I want to give my submission to Her as a gift, I don’t want to claim back when it suits me.

I want to be a good slave – in fact, I’m going to be a good slave, I’m going to be a great slave. I just need to figure out how to strike some sort of balance between the submissive me and the work me I suppose – and I’m not sure if that’s something I can do on my own.

Chastity belt - not being worn

Image via Wikipedia

I spend a lot of time thinking about the vision I described. I try to explain it back to myself as if I were explaining it to someone else as if I needed them to understand it the way I do, although I’m not sure why. If I read back through that there – one of the most obvious questions that would come to the mind of a woman I tried telling this to would be to do with the chastity belt, and why any guy in his right mind would willingly submit to giving that level of control over his body to a woman.

The purpose of the chastity belt is to prevent me from being able to do anything other than go to the toilet with my cock, they keep it safely locked up in such a way that still allows me to go to the men’s room when I need to, but without being able to directly touch it. They will generally prevent a man from even getting an erection, ensuring he is totally flaccid while he wears it. The one in my vision is something like this, and the one I own is the CB-2000. It was something I went and purchased on my own though, rather than it being forced on me.

So now that you understand what they physically do – the next part of the question …. “why?”. I have a few reasons. The first is that when I have that on I feel incredibly submissive. Think back to the things I said about my vision – the love I have for the woman there and that I have chosen to hand all control and power to her and that we both enjoy it that way. Handing her control over the very thing that makes me a man is one of the most powerful things I can give her, and I want her to use that, which leads me in to the second reason, which is a bit more long-winded.

Think back to when you were first dating someone, do you remember what it was like? More often than not the male is the one that will call the woman to arrange a date, to take her to dinner or a movie or whatever. He will drive to her house to pick her up, sometimes with flowers or a gift – he works so hard to earn her affection. So why do guys do this? Now I might be grossly over simplifying this, but just bear with me – guys do it because they want to have sex with her. Now I know that makes me sound like all guys want from girls is a good fuck, and what I’m trying to say couldn’t be further from it. He may well be in love with her, and to show that love he wants to sleep with her. Or at the other extreme, yes you have the guy that tries to pick up the woman at the bar for a one night stand – but the process is still the same there too, he will buy her drinks, he will talk to her trying to win her attention and get her interested. Now I’m not saying that this is the only way that guy meets girl, but it is a fairly typical example of the process.

So if you work with the assumption that the guy is willing to do these nice things for a woman so that they will ultimately sleep together, what do you think happens when you take that same guy and lock him in a chastity belt, giving her the key? He knows that she is in control of when he will get his release, and to get there he will strive to please her, he will shower her with affection, he will do all that he can to convince her that he is worthy of that reward.

I know this sounds very “out there” and that no guy would ever go for this sort of thing, and I wouldn’t dare presume that this is the way everyone will see things (that I don’t have anyone I could talk to about this pretty much proves that point), this is just how I see it. I did read a great book on this topic though, it’s called “Around her finger” by Ken Addison. In the book Ken uses a great narrative for explain the process of how and why one couple comes to the arrangement where the woman is in control of the male’s orgasms. Now there is no chastity belts or anything like involved in this case, and there is no reason you need one – but for me, refer back to reason one about why I like having them forced on me – they make me feel so very, very submissive and owned. But the book is great, and if you are reading this and still not having a clue what I am one about, I suggest you have a read of it. It is very, very worth it.

The last thing I like about them flows on from that second reason. While I’m all locked up, yes I feel like doing whatever it takes to earn a release – but the feeling in the mean time, that pent-up feeling of horny, building up and building up, drives me wild. A lot of guys love being teased and this makes almost anything in to a tease. Order me to do the dishes and give me a long passionate kiss and a bit of a spank on the ass, make me want you more, make my cock throb against the merciless cage, and I’m just in heaven. I’ll go and do those dishes, during this time I’m constantly distracted by the throbbing in my pants, thinking about what else I can do earn some release and to get the chance to touch her sweet body and make love to her. The belt is one of the biggest things that drive the behaviour that I show to her, the way I pamper her and treat her like a princess. She is using the control I have given her to manipulate my actions – but we both know that and are both incredibly happy with the arrangement, she gets taken care of and treated like a queen, and I’m constantly motivated, horny and always thinking of her – all of which means I smile 24 hours a day.

Currently I am not submitting to anyone, so the device I have isn’t used very often at all. On nights when I am at home alone I will put it on, for no other reason that I like to pretend that a woman has put it on me and that she hold the key. I’ll then do anything from doing the housework through to watching as much porn as I can to build up that ‘teased’ sensation, that feeling that I crave. It’s not the same knowing I hold the key though, and that I’ll only have it on for a few hours – I want the key held by someone who would keep my locked up for weeks at a time.

Not sure if you see male chastity the way I do after reading that – I hope you do though.

I’m not entirely certain why I’m writing this – maybe I just need to get it out there and the blog thing gives the illusion that someone else will read it and be interested. I mean seriously, it’s the internet – there will be someone who wants to know about my life, right?

So the situation then – I have this part of me that I tend to keep to myself and not share with anyone. This part of me has all sorts of emotions, feelings, desires and cravings associated with it. One of my biggest problems I have with this side of me is that I find it hard to explain – in my head I try to think of how I would get someone to understand it the way I see it, but I can never find the words. In fact that’s about my only problem with this side of me – I’m at peace with the fact that it is part of who I am.

What are all these feelings and emotions about then I hear you ask – good question. They say a picture is worth a thousand words – and I think I would need a small gallery to fit in enough pictures to go close to explaining this stuff! Let me start by describing an image I often get in to my head … I am on all fours on the ground in front of an arm-chair, a collar around my neck and a gag in my mouth. All of the hair on my body has been removed except that on my head, leaving me feeling silky smooth. I have a chastity belt wrapping around my waist and down through my legs, locking my cock away from sight and touch. That is me – and then there is her … she sits in the arm-chair, her feet stretching forward to use my body as a foot rest. She is completely relaxed and at peace, sipping on a glass of wine and just letting herself unwind.

Now here is my problem with that description – when I imagine telling that to someone, I can see the first response being “Oh, so you’re a very kinky and very horny guy, lets take you to the bedroom and whip you”, now don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a good whipping as much as the next slave boy does, what I am trying to describe is so much more than just the physical sensations that one would associate with the scene I am describing. I am on me knees before her because I love her, and willingly choose to be there – I choose to hand all power and control to her and it makes us both happy. My lack of clothing, my gag and collar are all just symbols that serve to reinforce that power transfer – the chastity device is the same, the greatest symbol of my giving control to her, because the key dangles from a chain around her neck. So through my choice to submit, I do as she asks – I do what I know will please her. I make sure the house is clean when she comes home, I make sure she has somewhere comfortable to sit, a glass of wine to drink, and from my place on the floor I will listen to her talk about her day – or not, I will gladly sit there in silence knowing that she is happy and content now that she is home. The feeling of love and the dynamic of the relationship in my vision last long beyond anything that goes on in the bedroom – it is in every aspect of my life. Through having constant reminders of her, such as the collar, the chastity belt, or whatever else she wanted, I am always thinking about her. I am always thinking about what will please her, how I can show my love to her, that I am totally devoted to her and that my will is hers.

The thing is though, that she isn’t in my life – in fact most days I have doubts that she even exists. That’s not to say that I haven’t or don’t know love. I’m in a relationship at the moment (although that is on very thin ice), but she isn’t interested in anything I’ve described here. We’ve tried to talk about it and we’ve tried to do some things, but it never stuck for more than a week or so, and it always felt like I was the one really in charge, telling her what I would like her to do because she couldn’t think of what to do otherwise. I’m not saying that’s her fault, not at all – she doesn’t see this type of relationship the way I do, no one I know does. So I try to keep all these feelings to myself, and try to be happy with what I have, which is more than a lot of other people have I know, I don’t want to sound ungrateful for the life I have – but I can’t keep this side of me sitting on the shelf, I feel so alone when I think about it. I know I’m not the only one out there that feels like this – but I don’t know anyone that I can talk to about this “me”, no one that is interested in it.

So instead I come here – the big world-wide web, to talk to an imaginary group of readers about how I feel and the things I do in this side of my life, hoping that somehow it will help.

I figure it can’t make things worse, right?

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